Die, Riley, Die! II The Sequel
by lucyolsen
Summary: Filk: A sequel to a filk? Stranger things have happened...I think. This one's to "I'll Never Tell," by our very own Joss Whedon! Riley gets what's coming to him...and a whole lot of it, too!


**_notes:_** Somebody told me I went too easy on Riley in my version of "I Will Survive," so this was born. Really, this must be a first...Whoever heard of a sequel to a filk? 

**_to the tune of:_** "I'll Never Tell," and let me tell you, I have a new appreciation for Joss Whedon. (no, not really. I've had this appreciation ever since I *heard* "I'll Never Tell." I didn't need to try to write it in order to tell it was difficult to do to so.) I think this turned out even better than my first Riley-bashing filk. 

**_spoilers:_** to "Into the Woods"   
**_disclaimer:_** The song and the characters belong to Joss. All hail.   
**_feedback:_** Beg? Who, me? Well...yeah. 

* * *

**_Die, Riley, Die II - The Sequel_**   
_by lucyolsen_

*** 

_(Riley and Buffy are both standing. Buffy has a whip.)_

**_BUFFY:_**   
This is the man   
That I plan   
To mangle.   
Isn't he swine? 

My claim of woe   
Is he went to a ho.   
Vengeance is mine! 

_(The camera follows Buffy as she walks, so Riley is now off-screen.)_

His pants split when he sits._ (Off-screen ripping sound)_   
His penis chopped to tiny bits. _(Off-screen screaming)_   
His hair cursed full of nits. _(Off-screen sounds of scratching)_   
Die, Riley, die. 

_(Buffy walks back so she and Riley are on-screen together, keeping the camera above Riley's waist.)_

**_RILEY:_**   
I betrayed Buff.   
Says I can't suff-   
er enough.   
I'm being tort -ack! _(Buffy has whipped Riley.)_

Cold in the day,   
As I pray,   
She won't pay   
Me back! Pay me back! 

She'll never let me go.   
The pain I know can only grow.   
But there may be one way- 

**_BUFFY:_**   
No! Die, Riley, die!   
Because you deserve to die... 

He screams,   
I'm happy 

**_RILEY:_**   
I'm feelin' kinda crappy. 

**_BUFFY:_**   
If he tries to pull crap he-   
'll have pain I prescribe. 

Riley cut cheeses.   
He never knew what pleases,   
So his dick'll get diseases,   
From a Chumash tribe! 

**_RILEY:_**   
The jibes get kinda painful. 

And she thinks that I'm complainful.   
And for her my pain is gainful. 

**_BUFFY:_**   
'Cause I'm really quite disdainful- 

_(Riley is loosing consciousness, Buffy slaps him hard across the face)_

Wake up! I need you alert,   
'Cause God knows I want you hurt! 

**_BUFFY:_**   
When he was sad, he   
Got sucked on by a baddy.   
And because I was mad, he   
Was forced to leave the show. 

**_RILEY:_**   
She thinks, kick-ass chicks,   
Don't need to share with their hicks.   
She never- 

**_BUFFY:_**   
My Mom was real sick! 

**_RILEY:_**   
This is my verse, hello?   
She- 

_(Buffy breaks out into dance.)_

**_BUFFY:_**   
Look at me! I'm dancing crazy! 

_(After a few moments, Riley begins to imitate her...badly. Blood spatters on walls with every kick.)_

**_BUFFY & RILEY:_**   
You know... 

**_RILEY:_**   
You're quite the harmer. 

**_BUFFY:_**   
You stupid farmer. 

**_RILEY:_**   
You're the cutest of my exes,   
With your torture and your hexes. 

**_BUFFY:_**   
Hernias the size of Texas. _(Riley grimaces in pain)_

-I'll pay you back! 

_(They begin to dance again, and during a particularly spinny move, Riley's index finger falls off. They eventually end up on opposite ends of the room, Riley leaning against the wall for support.)_

**_BUFFY:_**   
He revolts. 

**_RILEY:_**   
I repel her. 

**_BUFFY:_**   
He'll never be my feller. 

**_RILEY:_**   
I'm in pain and I'll tell her,   
'Cause I have no pride. 

**_BUFFY:_**   
I know, he's dyin'.   
And I'm not really cryin'.   
Screw laws. This's justifyin'.   
So I will not abide! 

**_BUFFY & RILEY:_**   
I lied.   
I said it's easy.   
I've tried,   
But there's these fears I can't deny. 

**_BUFFY:_**   
My boyfriend's skin is kinda cold. 

**_RILEY:_**   
Will I be tortured 'til I've gotten old? 

**_BUFFY:_**   
Will I ever run out of ways,   
To make that bastard Riley pay? 

**_RILEY:_**   
When she's bored with the torture,   
Will Spike be here to coach her? 

Am I dyin'? 

**_BUFFY:_**   
I am killin',   
And my victim's far from willin'.   
And this is all real fulfillin',   
'Cause it is my ex-guy.   
So thank God, Riley will die!   
I swear that, Riley will die! 

**_RILEY:_**   
I'm feelin' faint. 

**_BUFFY:_**   
That's of the good. 

**_RILEY:_**   
I think I'm toast.   
Call 911. 

**_BUFFY:_**   
Die, Riley...Die! 

_(Riley keels over, dead. Buffy falls backwards onto her couch, giggling.)_

THE END 


End file.
